Lotte

Thought about it today a bit. I've had lovers, and at the time I thought Iwas going through what Werther was going through. Perhaps I am less than Werther, as I did not kill myself, but then what of Geothe? It's been a great day. No bullshit. I had a dream, and woke with intention to remember and recall my dream, ascribed the words 'savant artist' as a touchstone for the memory. I dreamt of a young boy, and I as him perhaps, but also separate, watching, ( when I go to a music show, I watch the drummer, and I am drumming, and we succeed or fail together). He was great, this boy. I learn a lot from my dreams, especially regarding painting. I have somewhat oblique (or not immediately critical) revelations to painting methods therein. It's really wonderful. SO, Werther; I guess I felt like he might get over it, or something. I don't know. I was talking with my friend over dinner the other night, and I confessed to her how I (am horrible, and) have led women on before. The basis I guess for this was how intense Werther's love for Lotte was, though it could not be. And Angie, my friend, corrected/suggested because it could not be. It's especially convenient to love another who cannot love you back. You have no power other than love, nothing legal or social, just unbridled love, and little accountability, it's perfect. And the relationship that Lotte maintains (and theoretically, any unrequited partner) with her promised partner etc. proves that she is able to be trusted, and worthy of love. It's a win win win, especially if Werther were to kill himself. Goethe loves to please, happy stories, truly. God, I'm trying to recall what my revelation was earlier today. I didn't get much sleep last night, which, really, I found, is the best way to come into the workweek, again in no-bullshit mode. SO Angie and I were talking, and I didn't say that I had a similar setup to Werther, as vacuumed, Hmm.. I'll digress for a moment and acknowledge how gall-dang snotty I always sound on here. In Werther, there's a line about bad attitudes being the most intolerable and most inexcusable kind of thing. And so when I speak, I do so with joy in my heart, and if I sound any one way or another, may we think of hegemony before stones are cast. See, there I did it at the end of that sentence. Terrible. This blog is a kind-of dead-end on the internet, just somewhere for me to pour out, as this bumbling probably well evidences. Thing is, I have so many Lottes. While I read the book, I thought periodically about whom my Lotte was, but she remained a symbol. I wondered if I had ever loved at all. Today I heard on a podcast a joke about having never loved at all- one speaker was speaking "and upon entering the room he discovered..." and he was interrupted by another speaker for a stolen punchline, "..that he had never loved at all!". This an echo, and this morning I kind-of painted like a savant too, really nice how things rhyme and cycle. I haven't smoked week or drank in a while. I feel great, and work a lot now, it's a good time. I'm kind of a Lotte figure myself if my promised partner is my painting practice (Painting as a catch-all for creative practice). I call this guy today who'd posted bills at our school (illegally/ unofficially), for a project that at the end of the day was about his getting elected into some position of political influence. He told me that the election was done and he didn't need any illustration anymore. I doubt he would have had any money to offer anyway. I don't  care about the getting paid I guess so much, just a chance to deal with a new client- I think these are like little drug trips, that teach much. (Have not done many drugs, and try not to intentionally now too).